The permeating nature of doubt

I was expecting this but I did not realize it would really come, a deep sense of anxiety is taking over my whole life. It manifests itself in totally irrational feelings of  worthlessness caused by a perceived lack of effectiveness in the world on the part of my very fragile ego. All of which is brought on by nothing more than a run of really bad luck.

From one moment to the next my emotions rise and fall like what can only be described as a roller coaster ride. I go from feeling I am on the right track to feeling like I am totally crazy and not ready for any of the responsibilities life has served upon my plate. It seems to that self-doubt is a luxury I cannot afford once I let into one area of my life it seems to permeate everything.

A plate full is what I am sitting with at the moment. I have a business that is refusing to leave the starting blocks as one problem after another blights its emergence in the market. The pain this is causing me is so powerfully compounded by my current life circumstances and ensuing responsibilities, it can get quite frightening.

As the company recovers from the spice chest debacle it is becoming more and more apparent that the infrastructure we have worked so hard to create does not appear to be an appropriate nesting place place for the phoenix that has risen from the ashes. E-commerce works for standard stock but what we really have is a gallery of functional sculptures.

We have shifted our focus from standardized items to unique batches of artisan pieces, brimming with creative energy. What seems to be hard to accept is that we have not done this by choice we are merely confronted with the reality of what we are capable of and we have to accept it.

Accepting reality is not always an easy thing to do but it is a place to start from and of course we are all painfully aware to some degree that with acceptance comes change. However, my experience lately seems to be that acceptance does not come easy. With every hurdle I face my level of acceptance seems to reduce when I need it to be increasing.

The more my level of acceptance reduces the more my mind wonders into conceptualizing how to create a new and better reality and all the seemingly important things that  I could be doing to manifest that. I have a bad case of  idealistic reality avoidance.

Really as Siddartha Gautama re-discovered for humanity and spent the rest of his life reminding us; my progress and ultimately my freedom lies in accepting reality as it is  and working with that.

Good luck me…

top picture by: juanjo tugores


1 Comment (+add yours?)

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